My dearest next of kins,
I’m in Pittsburgh now, listening to the loud and long hacking cough of a woman in the room beside me, and that got me all misty eyed and poetic, so I thought I’d write you all again.
Last night, my Penguins were eliminated from the hockey playoffs, and now, mere hours from my birthday, I am praying even harder for good news on the Romantically Challenged front. I pray in kind of an unusual way; I just stare at myself in a mirror and say in a real sarcastic way “Thanks a lot, God” but then I get on to more substantial issues.
So, early this morning, I asked Big G (he doesn’t care for this nickname, but sometimes it’s fun to needle the Deity so he doesn’t get too full of himself) if there was anything left we can do to help RC before ABC makes their final decision by Tuesday.
The Lord told me he prefers the shaky camera hijinks of “Parks and Recreation,” but before I could explain that was on another night, he pretended to get another call and then hung up on me.
So I knocked on the hacking cough woman’s door, and asked her opinion and she just shrugged and said “Tell the RC army to go into overdrive sending letters and emails to ABC since they’re even MORE important now with ABC about to make its final decision at any moment.”. After a wetter, near deafening cough, she added “Oh, and tell them all to get as many people as they can to watch and DVR RC on Monday, since another good ratings night that even builds on what we already had can make a final, dramatic, and powerful case to ABC before they walk into their upfronts.”
I asked her how she knew all this and heard of the inside showbiz word “upfronts”, but she just closed her door and continued emptying her throat.
So let’s not disappoint this unsightly coughing woman – who I like to call the future Mrs. Blitt – and let’s do what she said.
To close on a semi or extremely sappy note, last night I got to my hotel in Pittsburgh depressed about my team being eliminated, but was then overwhelmed by so many of you tweetimg such supportive things to me personally and about our show.
It’s so ridiculous that I take hockey losses so hard still, when I’m technically an adult, but you guys really did make me feel immediately better.
Gotta go. That woman just knocked on my door. At the risk of being crude or indelicate, could any of you please quickly fax me a condom?